I'll write again soon

check out this link - Fried Blue Diary I'm told there will be more poems
coming.
I'll write again soon.

the dance of the beautiful people.

I often only write when everything is dark and down, and I thought maybe tonight I'd write differently. However I can't find the right words to describe how I feel. Other than to say that right now this evening I feel that I could do anything I wanted. I'm not all hyper-active and swinging from the chandeliers (not that I have any chandeliers!), not sure I would even say I was joyful, nor even very happy. But I do feel content. I feel valued. I feel like I exist, not as an apology but as a creation of wonder, and beauty. I don't feel beautiful in terms of my appearance, but that as a person, that my personality is beautiful.

I know me.
I know it won't last
probably not for very long
but ...
this evening - I am part of the amazing and beautiful creation of God
I have a place in this creation
I have a place in sharing this creation with the creator
and we, Her and me will continue to dance
the dance of the beautiful people.

it eclipses the sun

My soul hurts.
My soul hurts - are you cleaning it?
Cleaning out the gravel like a grazed knee?

My soul hurts.
My soul hurts - are you sewing it?
Sewing it together like a wound?

My soul hurts.
My soul hurts so loud
it eclipses the sun.

We wept forever

A roar inside
A roar of pain
A primordial roar
A primordial roar of pain
A primordial roar from the very depths
A primordial roar from the very depths of pain
A primordial roar from the very depths of my soul
A primordial roar from the very depths of my soul of pain
Depper than the depths of my soul
From the very depths of creation itself
came a tsunami of tears.

And God also roared in pain,
Christ roared beside me,
the Father roared from before time began
the Spirit roared into eternity,
and they three and me
we wept forever.

Anger

it burns a hole through your soul if you ignore it
it causes you heart to beat so fast it might explode
it causes you mind to have a life of it’s own

I thought I was ok
I thought I could handle what was going on in my brain
I thought the anger was under control

A simple comment causes the safety valve to crack
even whilst it’s cracking my brain registers
the words weren’t meant the way I heard them

it causes you mind to have a life of it’s own
it causes you heart to beat so fast it might explode
it burns a hole through your soul if you ignore it.

Grief

it lurks in the confusion of your mind
in the unbidden thoughts of your heart
and in the darkness of your soul

it lurks waiting to catch you unawares
waiting until your guard is down
waiting for the glimmer of loneliness

it lurks stealing your breath
stealing the beat of you heart
stealing the fire of your soul

it lurks with insidious power
bringing to a halt love
love for self, love for others

let it leak through your eyes
expel it’s anguish in your breath
let the light of your soul expose it

One grain at a time

The image of volcanic rage is obviously itself an expression of the release of pressure. The full dustbin was the final straw. All the other stuff building up.

my world collapsed
not a big blow up kind of collapse
not a volcanic eruption
more like a sand dune in the desert
encroaching one grain of sand at a time

everything collapsed in on me
I was existing only
not living

I went to work
even did some work
I showered and I washed my clothes
when I'd run out of mugs or plates I washed up
I turned up at church
I even managed to preach
and to lead services
but I was slowly dieing
as my world collapsed in on me
one grain at a time

grief
hidden grief
unexplored and unknown
misunderstood grief by some
ignored by others
grief I didn't understand
collapsing in on me one grain at a time

everything collapsed
church - the people aspects seem to be there
but I felt we were losing the reverence and awe
the ritual and sacredness that are so important to me
so even church was collapsing
one grain at a time

in amongst this collapsing
God's voice was getting stronger
more insistent
more obvious
more present
more powerful
collapsing in on me
one grain at a time

and people couldn't see I was collapsing
they could see the presence of God
falling on me
so how could I be collapsing
one grain at a time?

God was in my face
in my mouth
in my lungs
in my breathing
in my soul
in my head changing my thoughts
always there interfering
always there
insistent
obvious
present
filling my very being
ONE GRAIN AT A TIME

the same way that others have interfered with me before
filling my soul with pain and anguish
filling my soul with self loathing and disgust
ONE GRAIN AT A TIME

God was doing it this time!

but ...

why would he do that?

if what others have said could possibly be true
that he loves me then why would he do that?

grain after grain slowly fell into place
I slowly began to hear the words
that God had been pouring over me
One grain at a time

My love is real
My love is real
it is not the love talked of by those that did this
My love is real
every single grain of it is real

this time he was emptying my soul of self loathing and disgust
this time it was the pain of cleaning and repair
the anguish became the itch of healing
One grain at a time

I now know I am loved
loved beyond any reason
beyond any doubts I might have
with real love
every single grain of my being is loved

but all the change causes pressure
and the pressure came out
it did not come out one grain at a time
but in a volcanic eruption