...and another year and a bit

in a very different place again!

I do have a job - since January.
I enjoy the job (mostly).
But it just doesn't pay enough.

What else has changed.
Well that's hard to identify.
Too hard for tonight, I've tried several times!
Key words would be materialistic, consciousness, loss of technology, vocation

Nearly two and a half years later ....

what's new?

well my body doesn't work as well as it used to
I'm in a different church
and I've been unemployed for a year in 4 days time

today I found out that yet again I came second in an interview for a job
for the 5th time I've come second
trouble is second doesn't really help
second just doesn't get you the job

earlier I wanted to write but couldn't think who to write to
couldn't think who might begin to understand where I am
even the wise men admit they can't quite understand where I am
they don't think I'm in a bad place
and from their view point they think I'm in a really exciting place
but they do understand that I am finding it a hard place

I am in a learning place
learning to trust in God
learning to trust that there is a God
learning to hear the phrase "I'm sure God has a job for you"
without asking "what do you mean?"
to the people that say it
because they don't know what they mean

it's a lonely place
mostly of my own making
I guess it's my pride that makes me think I have nothing to tell anyone
I am nearly 44 and have nothing to show for my life
except things I find difficult to explain
a better understanding of myself
but at the same time the realisation of just how little I really understand myself
and my knowledge of God has grown but by an infinitesimally small amount
these things don't seem to compare with families and careers

how do you explain about an exploring being a contemplative
in a very noisy and materialistic society
especially when you are very reluctant about the whole idea yourself

well at least I remembered a place I could write
after two and a half years
no-one will be watching

I'll write again soon

check out this link - Fried Blue Diary I'm told there will be more poems
coming.
I'll write again soon.

the dance of the beautiful people.

I often only write when everything is dark and down, and I thought maybe tonight I'd write differently. However I can't find the right words to describe how I feel. Other than to say that right now this evening I feel that I could do anything I wanted. I'm not all hyper-active and swinging from the chandeliers (not that I have any chandeliers!), not sure I would even say I was joyful, nor even very happy. But I do feel content. I feel valued. I feel like I exist, not as an apology but as a creation of wonder, and beauty. I don't feel beautiful in terms of my appearance, but that as a person, that my personality is beautiful.

I know me.
I know it won't last
probably not for very long
but ...
this evening - I am part of the amazing and beautiful creation of God
I have a place in this creation
I have a place in sharing this creation with the creator
and we, Her and me will continue to dance
the dance of the beautiful people.

it eclipses the sun

My soul hurts.
My soul hurts - are you cleaning it?
Cleaning out the gravel like a grazed knee?

My soul hurts.
My soul hurts - are you sewing it?
Sewing it together like a wound?

My soul hurts.
My soul hurts so loud
it eclipses the sun.

We wept forever

A roar inside
A roar of pain
A primordial roar
A primordial roar of pain
A primordial roar from the very depths
A primordial roar from the very depths of pain
A primordial roar from the very depths of my soul
A primordial roar from the very depths of my soul of pain
Depper than the depths of my soul
From the very depths of creation itself
came a tsunami of tears.

And God also roared in pain,
Christ roared beside me,
the Father roared from before time began
the Spirit roared into eternity,
and they three and me
we wept forever.

Anger

it burns a hole through your soul if you ignore it
it causes you heart to beat so fast it might explode
it causes you mind to have a life of it’s own

I thought I was ok
I thought I could handle what was going on in my brain
I thought the anger was under control

A simple comment causes the safety valve to crack
even whilst it’s cracking my brain registers
the words weren’t meant the way I heard them

it causes you mind to have a life of it’s own
it causes you heart to beat so fast it might explode
it burns a hole through your soul if you ignore it.